I Cheat because I Love you...

I recently listened to interview with a well known Author and a Therapist on “Why Do Happy Couples Cheat” and it was a pretty standard response that is expressed by most therapist who, by the content of their words, are guided by programmed societal and religious viewpoints on marriage, relationships and sex. When hearing the terms "Cheating" and "Infidelity" I feel the need to shout my message as loud as possible to “Open Minds to not only take responsibility for your own actions but take advantage of the opportunity this scenario presents for personal and relationship growth". I've experience this subject from several points of view. From the one being cheated on, from being the cheater/ the other woman; from being a Certified Counsellor hearing both sides of the argument to being a professional wholistic sexual/sensual provider of 20 years. The latter two while being committed to a loving man ('til death did us part after 30 years).

In my previous blog “no sex please we’re married” I spoke about marriage and how the promises being made in such an important binding contract have completely omitted sex as a crucial criteria but everyone still screams Foul and demands the support from therapists, church and country/state when things pertaining to the topic fall apart for the various reasons.

The key point on the subject interview was on cheating when you love the person your with – how can that be possible or authentic one asks. Well my response is perhaps they maintain a happy relationship because one person is getting their needs met somewhere outside the relationship so not to put unwanted pressure on the partner who really doesn't want to/can't have intimacy anymore. We need to be clear, intimacy, sex or a sexual act doesn't need to have anything to do with Love. We have been raised with a fairy tale of finding your true love, getting married and living happily ever after. Well most have stopped believing in that as it's been proven to be untrue for the majority but they still hold onto the ideal of marriage and 'til death do you part even when we all know that's a very rare happening, but they also believe in the fantasy that they are the exception to all the statistics. Why do couples still believe or moreover assume that sex will all work itself out after you've been married a while. Yikes! what a lot of pressure and load of crap. It had the premise that "Practice makes Perfect" but they neglected the caveat: 'that works only if both parties wish to participate'. What if you don't like or want to have sex anymore, what is your partner suppose to do? The topic of sex has been deemed as taboo as part of dating, part of the marriage contract, teaching our children or in our schools so no wonder the subject of sex gets messy and it's no surprise that talking about cheating is an absolute mystery.

Let’s take a look at the word “Cheating” that really needs to be clarified within a context.

*Actual Existing definition: "a person who behaves dishonestly in order to gain an advantage"

*Interpreted Personal Response to the word: “behavior that causes feelings of betrayal and rejection”. The latter being the primary force that rules this angst. The term Cheating is so archaic as it was feared that illegitimate children would result of a person having sex outside the marriage as back in history and even in some countries today illegitimate children have rights to estates. Well now we have condoms people. Although that's still a challenge to get people to use them, we have many other options to prevent pregnancy so that reasoning is no longer an issue so we're back to the hurt feelings. There should be a new clear definition on what constitutes cheating... is it flirting, touching, kissing, handjob or intercourse or all of the above. If we're using the literal definition it would be NONE, if we're using the emotional definition then ALL. So are we saying we also have to be mind readers as it's about intentions? Is that not taboo as sorcery LOL. Why not just say if you do self gratification in any sexual manner without your licensed partner under the a law, it's cheating your life will be over. Well that involves most of human kind so that would be the end of the world.... Leaving ridiculous aside, let's continue with why one cheats when they love the person. Well just for this reason above. No one knows what sex or cheating truly is. One is told sex happen between two people who love each other (well so does cheating) or it happen to make babies (well so does cheating), well my dears, sex is also there for your health of your organs and your vibration and now we know so may cheating. It seems very plain to me that sex and cheating go hand in hand. The only difference is sex in a relationship is expected or accepted as OK by cultures and sex outside that relationship is secretive and shamed. For something suppose to be so intimate, there sure is a lot of outside influence. Nothing is all that black and white. Why not bring it all above ground to reside in the grey area on an individual case by case basis.

First off, I believe a person seeking out and fulfilling their needs when it has been withheld (intentionally or not) is actually being honest to their own self and although it may gain an advantage it is solely an advantage of healthy self preservation.... How selfish to actually take care of your own needs above the feelings of another. hahaha As for the part of feeling betrayed or rejected, Why is it someone else's responsibility to own your feelings of betrayal and rejection? Those feelings come from within and are for the person who is feeling them to work through and find their root or purpose to understand their own growth. So here it is... the opportunity to feel and fix your own issues. Taking one's own responsibility in this partnership rather than blaming the other when things don’t go according to their personal plan as that's a sure way to push a person to act on their own. In the interview they were saying that someone who cheated “screwed up” I find that statement actually close-minded , judgemental and possibly a very harmful. Perhaps the one who screwed up could be the person who shut the door to the discussion of why sex isn't happening in the first place as it comes not from a position of a love response but more of a fear response.

It has always been my premise that everyone needs to check in with themselves first on their status of life learning, behavior and how they communicate themselves to others; and if one chooses to be in a relationship, one must check in every few years with their partner to update them on their life journey and learning process and how it may affect them. Without this, a contract/commitment with ever changing human beings is bound to fail. It is not the responsibility of either party to fix their partner or guess what their partner needs but to communicate who they are and what they need so they can make informed decisions. For example if one is feeling depressed or broken their partner can be encouraging and supportive but it’s not their job to bend to their will which may diminish their own personal life journey.

Let’s take a look at the sex that wanders outside of a love relationship. First of all, pat yourself on the back for first taking that risk to show and give love. If it was so easy everyone would have it. Secondly, you say you love your partner… I believe you. So I ask, why did you go somewhere else for sexual gratification. As a wholistic practitioner in the sexual and sensual community, I’ve asked many people this question and there isn’t just one answer. Typical responses are:

1. My partner is going through menopause

2. My partner has a serious illness

3. My partner has become A-sexual

4. My partner has sexual performance issues

5. Work and family cause a lot of stress and exhaustion so there's no time or energy

6. I don't need sex but I do miss being touched.

One thing all the above have in common is all of them are very common responses ~~ You're not alone and All are important topics to discuss in a relationship and all of them should not hold any judgement or fear to discuss.

Now many are quick to judge and say well you should get help or end your relationship if you plan on cheating. This is not only a bit drastic but it is easier said than done. From the many people I spoke with, they have approached their partner to bring up their needs but like most people many have been made to feel wrong about themselves or they’ve been programmed that their sex life should be kept private or they don’t wish to pay or may not have the funds to pay a therapist who can’t guarantee things improve. Making yourself and your relationship vulnerable brings up a lot of stress and fear as you don't want it to fail and possibly cost you everything you've worked hard for, more honestly, you don't want to be alone. Perhaps you truly do love your partner and all other aspects of your life are fantastic, should you throw all that away because you need to pro-create a sexual vibration for yourself? Absolutely not!

The response I hear that most get when they broach the subject of sex or touch or that lack of it in the relationship is anger which escalation to hurt feelings. The conversation soon shuts down as neither wish to fight or say something they may regret (why... because they love each other). I can never understand why people expect so much on the sexual aspect in their relationship, but they couldn't even communicate about it in the initial marital/commitment contract, how can they communicated it later. I’m a huge advocate that sexual expectations should be incorporated in marriage vows/contact of commitment and not vague references like forsaking or faithful as both those terms may be implied but in actuality do not mean sex. Moreover, contracts are to be clear.

So when communication in your relationship is ruled by fear it’s crippling and living with a disability may not be so easy to fix. This may lead to depression, loneliness, illness, or other behaviors such as drinking, gambling, drugs or seeking assistance of a 'special friend' in the sex trade. Personally If one is lucky, they will find a professional service provider who makes them feel revitalized, confident and strong and who also gives them tools and encourages them to take all those feeling home to have courage to try the communication process again. Never give up. It’s OK for your partner to change their needs but it’s important to communicate that a significant change or standard of living has been changed. You also need to share that for your own health you need more and for the health of your relationship there are option like seeking help or agreeing to a change in the contract ~ A more open relationship so to speak and this in NO WAY diminishes how the other is loved. It's a far more positive approach than the all too familiar ultimatum of "if you cheat~we're done". No one likes or appreciates an ultimatum and it's not productive in a love relationship.

Just imagine if everyone in a relationship set time aside to write a new relationship agreement every few years (no more than 5 years). Not only would you give each other something to talk about and learn about each other, you’re truly honoring yourself, your needs and being more authentic. Yes, it is also an exercise in trust as many who bring up subjects about change or sex may have fears that their partners may freak out when they’re offered a scenario that feels outside of their comfort zone. Perhaps just start out slowly and ease them into opening up and assure them that you're ok just to touch each other and you promise you're not just saying that to get them aroused to move into sexual play... Building trust and removing fear.

I’m so pleased that in 2024 we now have many people studying to be sex coaches (separate from the Medical Professionals who are bound by outdated puritan morals and laws). These people are far more open-minded and approachable and even do hands on work with individuals and couples in their own homes or on-line.

So are we safe to say whether your need or desire is to cheat, shop, drink or whatever the crutch may be for lack of ability to communicate, do we follow the general rule and "do everything in moderation" or it may be unhealthy? Could it be that simple? It would be nice but not likely; regardless, that will be for you to decide and communication is key not only in understanding yourself and your needs first but having courage to sharing your true self with your partner. Love is a verb (an action) and if you can’t get that message across to your partner, try to teach them and practice tools on how they can open up to you without fear so you can eventually talk about anything. Assure them they can be involved as much or as little as they wish to setting the parameters. Perhaps being involved , listening and respecting their suggestions and concerns or fears may maintain the control the partner feels they need to be whole. In time, people may learn that venturing into the world of sensual/sexual pleasure has no bearing on their love relationship. I may be a bit bias but I'd strongly encourage keeping it to the professionals as it can be a much safer practice than the whole meeting someone at the bar scene.

In the end, if you having a sexual relationship outside of your relationship is what you decide is for the betterment of your personal health and if you must be called a 'cheater' because it's living your authentic life so you don't put pressure on the one you love, then OWN IT and say "what of it , my partner doesn't want to have sex and I accept that and I love them enough to not pressure them" perhaps the message will sink into the minds of those haters. It’s really not your responsibility to decide if the others can live with your decision or not. If your relationship foundation continues to be one-sided where communication screams it's going to be this one way or the highway which is not only selfish, manipulative and hurtful only you can decide if that environment is the healthy love relationship you desire.

If you ask my opinion, and it’s my blog so I’m giving it regardless, If sex was not a priority that should have been listed in your "'til death do you part" I do’s then why dramatize after the fact. Sex is your lowest self and there is so much more to a love relationship that your partner won’t ever get from performing outside your bedroom; however, they also may gain something like confidence or new techniques to bring into the bedroom. If they say they Love you and they do everything right except sex then perhaps count your blessings and think twice about ending things because you'll face a whole other world of issues if the choose to make a mountain out of mole hill of a cheating partner. If you are so blessed to be told “I Love You” just believe it and better yet believe in your own worthiness to receive it. . . Leave the word and concept of cheating to those gossiping busy bodies that follow like sheep to the relationship slaughter (aka bitter ex's) or think they're above all others and judge.

Finishing off with the old biblical verse from Corinthians 13:4-5 "Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." Remember you do all those things in a love relationship but perhaps not perfectly as humans we are not perfect. Humans need to apply that quote to themselves first so they can provide it to another. It's not like the old Jerry Maguire movie " You complete me" NO! You must complete yourself and the Love relationship will only enhance your life. Cheating can and has been be done respectfully for generations. Cheating can be a creative tool or 'Happy Ending' choice in your love relationship. Just imagine how light you would feel or how well you would perform if you could just lived your authentic self without all the expectation, secrecy and guilt. If you can both get on the same page about intimacy or sex and what that person believes it to be, then cheating would no longer be a term used other than meaning... the door that opened new possibilities.... ;-) Wow! What an amazing dream to aspire to. I'm not advocating a person go out and cheat but advocating you don't cheat yourself out of a great opportunity to deepen that love connection by keeping an open mind, learning to communicate and living authentically. Especially to those that feel hurt and rejected to not give up on someone because the situation is not ideal.

This post is based solely on my opinion, ideas and research. I always welcome a difference in option and open discussions. come visit and let's chat

~ Kedesha inspired