Consenting Adultery

I don’t know how many times I hear someone say “If my wife finds out, it will ruin my marriage”

This got me truly curious about how this could happen. Frankly since the middle ages there isn’t a whole lot out there for punishing men for adultery but more towards punishing the women or the mistresses. In the later Middle Ages adultery was not even considered grounds for the dissolution of marriage. It has been written that “if a man is unfaithful to his wife out of need/passion and not love, his actions are acceptable” Andrew the Chaplain, author of The Art of Courtly Love

Today it seems the system views and rules these adultery cases by the morality court and the guilty conscience. You men fold way too easily because you feel you’ve shamed the one you love. What happened to your hunter instinct? Don’t just throw in the towel because you did the unforgivable deed, but take the opportunity to open up and fight in the right way i.e. for the communication of ownership and what you truly promised (the intentions). Is it truly an unforgivable deed to take care of ones needs when the spouse removes the standard of living that being sexual pleasure? Not to go into all the religious or legal jargon as each country has different laws. In Canada, it is my understanding that couples who chose to file a divorce on the grounds of adultery or cruelty are filing what is referred to as a “For Fault Divorce”. This simply means that one spouse is trying to prove that the other is solely at fault for the breakdown of their marriage. Key words here “trying to prove” and “solely at fault”

Let’s take a look at the term Adultery: "Voluntary sexual relations between an individual who is married and someone who is not the individual's spouse". Unfortunately most of you men who never wanted to cross the line and wanted to just get your basic sexual needs met by a massage with a handjob now are faced with an interesting choice. Since the new c-36 law includes Massage +HJ as the same deed as intercourse, why not go all the way if you’re going to be accused of it anyways. Of course not, you have your boundaries which you absolutely need to remember when faced with this whole discussion with your angry spouse.

We can’t come to a judgement about adultery until the contract of marriage is reviewed. This is important because adultery is a term given by the church based marriage vows. Depending on what you vowed to do. The attached link gives various traditional examples of marriage consents commonly mistaken for vows: https://www.theknot.com/content/traditional-wedding-vows-from-various-religions

Adultery was considered a more serious religious sin because it betrayed the marriage vows and could produce illegitimate children. Although theologians were somewhat divided on the issue and frankly so am I. If we take an actual look at the standard marriage vows, there is nothing in them that vows sexual monogamy. If you're thinking yes there's "fidelity" well that means you will keep your promise of supporting or being loyal to them, so why is sex the scapegoat for the real issue. (You say it does because your marriage vows contained “Forsaking All Others” Now this can also be debatable. If you stand by your faith community it will traditionally mean you vow to forsake intimate relations with anyone who is not your spouse. Now I would argue the point contractually for factual text. The word “forsaking” means abandon, leave, renounce – nothing about sex or intercourse. So you have to ask, who did the forsaking really? Who abandoned the communication or the working together or the matrimonial bed first? The inclusion of “forsaking all others” was added “to prevent the fatal destroyers of marriage, ie. adultery, polygamy and divorce. So let me understand this correctly, One can get a divorce (forsaking the other) by claiming the other party forsake them... Now there’s a flawed contract if I ever saw one.

An interesting Article I read also explains: “A common, modern definition of infidelity includes anything that interferes with the marital relationship and becomes dangerous to the marriage. This means not letting in-laws, parents, siblings, or society intrude into the marriage. This can include excesses in work, hobbies, television, computers, video games, or an emotional relationship with another person (of either gender) that does not even include adultery, but does intrude into the marital relationship. Intrusions into a marriage can also include children.”

Children are a common excuse for the alienation of affections leading to infidelity – NOT THE ESCORT or Service Provider, They are only the means to an end. Couples that say Eventually our children will grow up and move away and we will have our intimate time them. Wow, talk about putting things off or assuming that you’ll have time later. How unfair and unhealthy a plan is that. A common fact: Disconnection in passion leads to disconnection of the relationship’s emotional bond. According to the spiritual leader

OSHO, Sex is the lowest form of love and compassion is the highest form of love. All that is wrong with people is somewhere associated with love. They have not been able to love, or they have not been able to receive love. They have not been able to share their being. Those wounds inside can surface in many ways: they can become physical illness, they can become mental illness – but deep down people suffer from lack of love. Just as food is needed for the body, love is needed for the soul. Love is midway between sex and compassion.

Now to be even more serious, we know that marital vows are truly about intentions but there are two sides to everything. First understanding what you promised to each other (see link on traditional marriage vows) and secondly are both parties abiding to that promise in its entirety. Let’s examine the two sides:

Adultery is viewed by the law in many jurisdictions as an offense injurious to

public morals and a mistreatment of the marriage relationship. Hmmm. There’s those “Public Morals” again. This goes back to when the churches ruled the courts and was based on their religious morals according to their bible version. Now if you get married under a religious faith community not a Civil Union then you are most likely bound to their belief and moral system. All you Civil Union/Contractual Married people have the good fortune of using this as a defense.

Adultery is referred to today as Criminal Conversation or Alienation of Affection. At common law, alienation of affections is a common law tort but one must ask where did the alienation of affections start and by whom?

No one wants to get nasty and no one wants to hurt the one they love by casting stones but if you’re not willing to sit down like adults to communicate (hmmm now there a concept that has been lacking in many situations) over taking responsibility for one’s choices whether it be so-called cheating or being unfaithful or the spouse cutting off sex for whatever reason or excuse (which both examples to me are Alienation of Affections). In fact the cutting off sex in history has been a proven avenue for dissolving the marriage. Guys perhaps you just can’t win. If your wife doesn’t give you sexual stimulation and you get it elsewhere can she forsake you? or if you have Erectile Dysfunction and can’t perform can she forsake you? Wait a minute, Forsake/abandonment is that not also being unfaithful under the vows.

Criminal Laws Defenses An individual who has been charged with committing adultery may have a valid

legal defense, such as the failure or physical incapacity to have sexual intercourse (consumate), the sex act or the literal term Forsaking by your spouse which we have defined above. In the 14th Century, the ecclesiastical church called on sex workers as professional experts to verify if men were really impotent to decide whether or not there was grounds for divorce.

If anyone throws the term “fornicator” at you please know that doesn’t apply to all you married folk. The law dictated that the term fornicators were those who were unmarried and had sexual relations.

So if you expect any counselling or guidance from your church you should know ahead of time that the church’s position is to urge a suppression of sexual desire in favour of spirituality, which was considered to be man's true vocation in life. Celibacy and virginity were exalted as "the highest forms of life," ... I know dilusional thoughts of grandeur by a group who cannot live by their own standards.

In Conclusion, Know the battle you face before you get into it and have courage. The relationship requires some tough love and touch communication. Let me be clear on something, this does not automatically mean you will ever get a change from your spouse. So before one's little secret escalate into divorce, perhaps try a new concept of an "Open" marriage with ultimate respect, boundaries and rules. Even better perhaps before you get married talk about this subject and come to an agreement about the boundaries about going to get needs fixed if one spouse changes the sex parameters ~ make it part of your marriage contract if it's that important.

By using the same moral guidelines and belief system you are bound to through your faith community also is clear that under their same rules it is sexually immoral for a spouse to deny the partner sexually unless they have a legitimate physical or mental health grounds for doing so. Most people think of sexual immorality as only someone having sex outside marriage (pre-marital sex, adultery, incest). But remember that when something is immoral, that means it is not conforming to accepted standards of morality under the faith community in which you made your vows, therefore it is accurate to call willful sexual denial in marriage an act of sexual immorality and legally alienation of affection. I say if the professional who you're paying big bucks to take on the legal responsibility to marry you won't broach such an important subject, then take charge and discuss it between yourselves. It may save you the stress, fear, abuse and cost in the long run.

This post is based solely on my opinion, ideas and research. I always welcome a difference in option and open discussions.

Sources:

Bea Northcott is Executive Director of Marriage Investors

Chris Ogholoh of Biblical Gender Roles and Family Matters

Wilipedia – Adultery